You Are Someone's Dinnertime Conversation
RADICAL CANDOR:
One of MOONSHOT XX’s Core Values.
“You are someone’s dinnertime conversation.”
Take a moment to reflect on something someone said to you early in your career that changed the trajectory of your life. Admittedly, my memory of who said this is a bit fuzzy. However, I vividly recall what they said. And I really wish I could remember who because it is brilliantly simple. “You are someone’s dinnertime conversation.” In other words - Be the kind of leader, when talked about, inspires everyone at that table.
The impact of that statement shaped my leadership style. Forever. It gave way to one of my mantras:
PEOPLE FIRST. ALWAYS. IN ALL WAYS. A pinnacle lesson in my professional journey is the transformative power of consistently giving and receiving feedback. Giving it generously. Receiving it graciously. High achievers are hungry for personal and professional development. To some level, I believe we all crave feedback. At least we all need it, from CEO to most recent hire. To be clear — candid feedback. Not fluffy and sugar-coated or passive-aggressive feedback. I’m talking about real, meaningful, “I deeply care for you and your success”, tell-them-what-they-need-to-know, blindspot uncovering, kind of feedback. Twenty years ago, I would've described it as a simultaneous warm familiar grandma hug + punch in the gut — in a good way. If there is such a thing.
Feedback is two-fold: it’s an act of celebrating what we’re nailing and getting coached on what needs improvement. I’m a proponent for telling people what they need to know. Nothing more, nothing less. One of the best compliments I’ve received from my teams is “I never have to wonder what you’re thinking because I can count on you to tell me what I need to know.” I learned to lead this way from one of my all-time favorite bosses, Laura, who exemplified it impeccably. Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor: Be a Kick-ass Boss Without Losing your Humanity, describes the meaning of radical candor “as having the ability to care personally while challenging directly at the same time.” Laura epitomized Kim’s methodology: Care Personally + Challenge Directly. Always. In all ways. Another formidable champion for my leadership, Dr. Cook, taught me that integrity is more about what you do then what you say you’re going to do. “Being 1° off center is your body holding you accountable” she would say. My commitment is to emulate candor by showing what it sounds like and feels like. I believe that when we choose to practice candor, we demonstrate the highest form of love. When we practice candor, we value people’s time. Great leaders model the behaviors they expect from their people. Be clear. Be concise. Clear is kind. No one likes ambiguity, especially when it comes to the expectations of their role and responsibilities, and ultimately their performance. No one sets out to fail in their profession. Putting people first means being in the practice of giving and receiving feedback — consistently.
Many argue that giving and receiving feedback is uncomfortable. If you’re not in the practice of it, then yes. Kind of like running a marathon but never logging in the weekly mileage. Practice makes practice. We condition ourselves to increase resilience and curtail the ego's resistance to change. I would argue mediocrity is uncomfortable. Not being challenged to your potential is uncomfortable — actually, frustrating. Stagnation is uncomfortable. We owe it to people we lead to have those crucial conversations that can inevitably take them from being good to exemplifying greatness. I live by this Tim Ferriss quote: “a person’s success in life can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversation he or she is willing to have.” It’s time we get comfortable with being uncomfortable and uncomfortable with mediocrity.
A person’s success in life can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.
I’m a bit of a book nerd. I consider several authors, mentors. Although we may never cross paths, their work resonates with me deeply. One way to share wisdom that guides me and subsequently have become guiding principles for MOONSHOT XX is to share books that leveled me up. FYI - Check out the other books that comprise the MOONSHOT XX’s core library here. As you may have guessed, I consider Kim Malone Scott one of them. In her book Radical Candor: Be a Kick-ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, she advocates for creating real connections with the people we lead. “Make sure that you are seeing each person on our team with fresh eyes. People evolve and so your relationships must evolve with them. Care personally; don’t put people in boxes and leave them there.” Caring deeply for people and challenging them to level up builds trust and increases psychological safety. I’ve been on the receiving end of many radically candid conversations. I’ve left 1:1s exhausted AND feeling a bit unstoppable. Most importantly, I’ve walked away clear. My action plans were explicit. Aside from going for a run to shake off my bruised ego, gratitude overflowed for leaders who “didn’t put me in a box and leave me there.” Candor begets trust begets connection.
“Make sure that you are seeing each person on your team with fresh eyes everyday. People evolve and so your relationships must evolve with them. Care personally; don’t put people in boxes and leave them there. ”
Truth is — I have some dope leaders to cheers to when I think about my growth and success. I operate in my zone of genius because I had allies in the workplace committed to coaching me UP. Culture and people development is my jam. It’s what makes me feel most alive. It is my ding in the universe. So tonight, as I pass the butter or raise a glass to make a toast, I’ll be talking about the Lauras, the Dr. Cooks, the Dwaynes, the Maxines of the world, to name a few — special human beings who set me on a trajectory to do the work I was born to do, in part because of their consistent and impeccable commitment to challenging me directly while caring relentlessly. They’re often my dinnertime conversation.
Make no mistake, you are someone’s dinnertime conversation. What will be said about you?
One of MOONSHOT XX’s core library books — Radical Candor: Be a Kick-ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity by Kim Malone Scott.